This morning seemed different. Usually, the day before treatment and the morning of, my anxiety gets to me. I tend to let myself fall into a depression. No matter what I tell myself, my emotions are a mess. I stress about the upcoming treatment, and how I don’t want to feel the way I will. I tend to talk my husband’s ear off about the same worries I have each time, the same ones. He sits patiently, listening to his blubbering wife cry about all the same things I do each time, and each time, I get through it.
Treatment is something that changes a person. You realize what is important in life, and what is not worth your time. Time is precious. Each moment and breath becomes more and more beautiful, more sentimental. Life itself seems to slow down.
I’m someone who tends to treat my stress and fears with distractions. Distractions that keep all my thoughts away, and let me not think about the trials coming my way. The more I keep myself distracted, the worse I feel. I feel like time is running away from me. That my precious time goes too quickly and I actually feel myself more stressed than before.
When I found out about my diagnosis, I went into a deep depression. Coming to terms with death is something scary. Death is all around us, but being told you are going to die, it’s terrifying. It’s a different fear than just knowing you could die anytime. It’s something that now becomes a very prominent thought in your mind. Everything you do, every person you are with, every ounce of your time, now revolves around, “how much time is this activity/person worth?”. You begin to realize that certain things become so precious to you. Friendships become stronger, family bonds have more meaning, the earth itself slows down.
During my depression, I decided to look for books that could help me, help me understand what I’m feeling and how to handle it. I’m going to say, I never found exactly what I was looking for. I know God is the one who ultimately calmed my nerves about my diagnosis. Without Him, I truly believe I would still be in the depression I was in before. I did, however, find a great book about time management. About how being present is more important than feeling perfect in today’s society.
“Present over Perfect” by Shauna Niequist, has greatly shown me that it’s ok not to be perfect. That being present is more rewarding than anything else. As someone who has always thought I needed to hit certain goals by certain life points. I’m happily surprised that I’m alright not being at those mile markers by where society has placed them. I don’t have an amazing job that pays super well and that I like to brag about. I don’t have an amazing new house that’s big enough to host the whole community for the holidays, I don’t drive the newest car with enough space to take all the neighborhood kids to a sports event. There’s so many mile markers I thought I would hit, and I’m perfectly fine not hitting them. I’m happy being present in my girls lives, that I now am a stay at home mommy and get to see all the new things my kids are learning, to be more present in their growing up and getting to be there for all the ouchies. I get to spend more time reflecting on myself, hearing the birds, listening to the rain, getting to appreciate the moments that passed me by.
Life tends to go 100 miles a minute, and I’m the worst about going full force ahead, even when my body begins to fail me. I truly believe that’s what why I did not notice the signs that my body was giving out. I was so tired and weak, and I just thought that was normal for people with kids. I just thought maybe I needed to give my body a break from school or the work out schedule I had myself on. So I stopped, and yet I still was so tired. The tiredness brought on crankiness. I was being short with my kids, my husband, my family and friends. It’s amazing, how when your body is trying to function and it can’t, how you act out. It’s tough, but worse, thinking it’s just you. That it’s all in your head. At least now, I know that I need to listen better, that my body can only take so much.
This morning, I woke up hearing the birds. The first thing I noticed was the smell of the fresh air, the birds singing their morning songs, the bright light of the sun peaking through my window. I had a moment to reflect, to realize how beautiful the world is, no matter what disasters are going on. The world keeps moving.
I’ve been watching the birds more and more. Having twin three year olds, pointing out all the birds and mimicking their chirps, also help me to notice them as well. They are so peaceful, going about their days, not noticing all the stress of the world. They fly from branch to branch, place to place, and do what their body is telling them, literally. They eat when they are hungry, poop when they need to, reproduce when they are called to. Everything they do, they do because their bodies are telling them.
I truly believe that today’s society is going too fast for us to really take in what is going on around us. We are running from place to place, flying at full force, not being able to slow down. Slowing down would mean that society is looking down upon us. Society today is all about, “what can you do to prove to your peers that you have the best, have done the best, and have the best to brag about”. I truly believe, it’s causing society to be disconnected. What does that really mean at the end? A nice obituary with a lot of nice titles? What about slowing down enough to have family and friends that were happy that you took the time to be in their lives? What about being there for your kids now, so they will be there for you in the future? What about having compassion for someone else, maybe someone you don’t even know? To be connected with the world, to actually BE!
My great grandmother passed away last week. Even though she was 98, and she had a great life and was ready to go, it’s still extremely difficult loosing a loved one. I’ve shed so many tears for this wonderful woman. She was so kind and loving, so compassionate for those around her. She always made sure that everyone else was happy and comfortable before she was. She was so strong. As I sat at her funeral, I prayed to God that I can be half the woman she was. That I can be as compassionate as her, in a world where compassion is hard to come by. That I can be as selfless, loving, strong, kind, and present as her. She was so loved by all those around her.
One thing thing that came to mind this morning was the birds. Her house use to have a bird clock that would sound a different bird noise at each hour. If I noticed it was close, I would wait and listen to the bird. I was so intrigued how beautiful each of their songs were. I would sit and watch the cardinals and robins hop along her porch rail, or fly up in her fence. My Grammy would just sit and watch with me, if she could. We would just watch them, going about their merry way. I know it was something small, but isn’t that life? Lots of small memories that make up a person’s life? People that meant the world to us, and showed us how to be a better person.
Life is so short. I’ve always known it was short, being told about world tragedys, someone passing away in a car wreck, being told that someone close was terminally ill. It hits you hard. You become aware of how quick life is in these moments. But then, the busyness of life takes over and your forget. Forget how fragile life is. My prayer for society, is that you become unplugged from life. Even if just for a moment. Put the phone down, close the laptop, and just BE. Stop, for just a moment, and hear the birds. Listen to those around you, be present in your life, not rushing through it. Don’t wait until life is at the end, to realize how little you really lived.
Life's Journey 